Class of 1957 Humor

Elyria High School Class of 1957


A Genie tries to grant a wish

Our friend Oscar was combing a California beach and came upon a bottle, which he opened. Out popped a Genie, who said that he had been inside the bottle for more than 50 years, and profusely thanked Oscar. The Genie was so grateful that he promised to fulfill any wish that Oscar had. Oscar told him that he would like to visit Hawaii but was afraid of flying or taking a ship. He asked the Genie to build a bridge from San Francisco to Hawaii so that he could drive.

The Genie responded that the distance from San Francisco to Hawaii was 2400 miles and the average depth of the ocean was 2.7 miles. The bridge would have to be high enough so that ocean liners could pass under it, and consideration would have to be made for the tides and waves of 30 feet or more. It would require millions of tons of concrete and re-enforcing cables. The Genie said reluctantly that he would not be able to comply with this wish.

Our friend Oscar thought for a moment and said that he’d been divorced for two years. He asked the Genie for the wisdom to understand what women really want.

The Genie replied, “Do you want a two-lane or four-lane bridge?”

When is a Secretary a secretary?

Sally Jewell was sworn in as the Secretary of the Department of Interior on 12 April 2013 and is in charge of the National Park Service and other Federal Lands. She is an outdoors person who has climbed Mount Rainier seven times. The sinewy 5-foot-seven woman with short salt-and-pepper hair was Chief Executive of Recreational Equipment Inc in Kent, Washington with an annual salary of about $2 million. When she went to open an account at a local bank near her new home in the Dupont Circle area of Washington, DC, the clerk asked where she was employed. "The Interior Department," Ms. Jewell replied. "What's your position there?" the clerk asked. "Secretary," Ms Jewell answered. The clerk nodded and entered secretary on the application form. (From the New York Times 30 April 2013). 

A witty intellectual high brow 

After one of Adlai Stevenson’s high-brow speeches, a supporter yelled "You’ll have the vote of every thinking man in America!"Stevenson shouted back "Thank you, but I need a majority to win!"

A witty intellectual low brow

Dolly Parton was asked whether she had considered the idea of running for President of the United States. She replied, "No. I think we have enough boobs in the White House."

A happy supply-sider

As Jack Kemp was testifying at a congressional hearing, his wife and daughter watched from the gallery. Someone behind them asked rhetorically "What does a former football player know about economics?" Mrs. Kemp turned around and said, "He was not a football player; he was a quarterback."

On military rank

He's the greatest general since Sergeant York. A quotation referring to General George Patton that was spoken by a soldier in the movie entitled "Patton." 

William Safire's rules for writers

William Safire wrote the following rules. Remember to never split an infinitive. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors. Proofread carefully to see if you words out. Avoid clichés like the plague. And don’t overuse exclamation marks!!

On mistaken identities

A cab driver picked up a nun, who noticed that the driver wouldn't stop staring at her. "I have a question, but I don't want to offend you," explained the driver. "Oh, you can't offend me," the nun said. "I've seen and heard just about everything." "Well," said the cab driver, "I've always wanted to kiss a nun." The nun, not even blushing, said, "I think I can arrange that. First, you have to be single, and you must be Catholic." "Yes, that's me," said the excited driver. They pulled over, and the nun gave him a big kiss. Back on the road, the cab driver began crying. "I've sinned and feel terrible," he said. "I'm really married, and I'm a Methodist." "That's okay," said the nun. "My name is Henry, and I'm going to a Halloween Party." From the 7 October 2011 Hendersonville (NC) Times-News.This reads like a New Orleans story; I don't know how the local paper could have picked it up (RR). 

Absentmindedness and forgetfulness

Norbert Wiener, a noted MIT mathematician, tried to find his way home one evening after he and his family moved to a new home. Accosting a small girl who was approaching in the opposite direction, he inquired whether she might be able to direct him towards Brattle Street. The child giggled "Yes daddy, I'll take you home."

Absentmindedness on a grand scale

Nevill Mott was a distinguished theoretical physicist best remembered for his contributions to solid-state physics for which he received the Nobel Prize in Physics in 1977. Mott was traveling on the Paddington to Bristol train when three thoughts occurred to him. First, he was no longer at the physics department in Bristol but Cavendish professor at Cambridge. Second, he had traveled to London earlier that day by car. And third, he had been accompanied by his wife.

A gift idea for you and your partner

If you and your partner are pleased with a Sleep Number Bed, click here for a look at a TwoDaLoo, another item that you can share. 

On naming an unknown sugar

Albert Szent-Györgyi isolated a reducing sugar from paprika, a natural resource for someone of Hungarian descent. He submitted a manuscript to the influential Biochemical Journal that described some of the properties of this sugar whose identity was unclear. He named this sugar ignose ("ose" is a generic suffix meaning sugar such as sucrose (table sugar) while "ignorare" is Latin for not knowing). Arthur Harden, the journal editor and Nobel Laureate in Chemistry in 1927, failed to appreciate this terminology and asked Szent-Györgyi to revise the paper. In the revision, Szent-Györgyi renamed the unknown sugar "Godnose." Harden requested yet another revision.Norman Haworth, who received the Nobel Prize in Chemistry in 1937 along with Szent-Györgyi, finally elucidated the structure of ignose, which is now known as ascorbic acid, or vitamin C.

Home from college 

A farm-country girl enrolled at the state university. In her first term, she made the mistake of associating with one of the college conquistadors. When she went home for the Christmas holidays, she at least wanted to be honest. So she said to her father, "Paw, there’s something I have to tell you. I ain’t a good girl anymore." Her father replied, "What! Your mother and I scrimped and saved for years so that you could got to the big hot-shot university. Then, after three full months, you come home, and you’re still saying ain’t."

Reptile dysfunction

If you need help in explaining this disorder to your grandchildren or great grandchildren, the EHS Class of 1957 web master has asked Alice to provide advice. So if you need help, see Alice. 

Translation from German

How do you say atomic bomb in German? Ein Ear Ga Splitin Loud In Boomer Mit Ein Gross Hole In Ground And All Is Kaput. 

Need help with your credit?

Our credit manager is Helen Waite. So if you need credit, you can go to Helen Waite. 

Something's fishy

Poisson sans boisson c'est poison! – Miss Wilcox  To eat fish without drinking wine is poison!  Translation by her inglorious pupil (Robert Roskoski) who endured numerous swats across his head by her grading book in French class that were not too different from the headslaps suffered by Tony Dinozzo on NCIS at the hands of Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs. 

Good luck

The great physicist Niels Bohr nailed a horse shoe above his office door for good luck. "You don't really believe in that stuff, do you?" a colleague asked him one day. To which Bohr responded, "No, but I've heard it works even for people who don't believe."

On verbal clarity, or lack thereof

The following quote from Sarah Palin demonstrates the well-honed skills and prowess of the recipient of a BS in communications-journalism from the University of Idaho. "I had great faith that, you know, perhaps when that voter entered that voting booth and closed that curtain that what would kick in for them was, perhaps, a bold step that would have to be taken in casting a vote for us, but having to put a lot of faith in that commitment we tried to articulate that we were the true change agent that would progress this nation." We all know what BS represents. If she had an MS, would we infer that the M refers to moose? You betcha!

Additional aphorisms

Prediction is very difficult, especially if it's about the future. – Niels Bohr (You are probably surprised that this was not attributed to Yogi Berra).

Being a woman is terribly difficult trade, since it consists principally of dealing with men.  ?   Joseph Conrad

Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.  ?   Winston Churchill

Nudists in Lakeland, Florida are upset that outsiders are sneaking a peek through a hole in their fence. The police promise to look into it.  – Paul Harvey

A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water. –  Eleanor Roosevelt

Someday Louisiana is going to get good government, and they ain't gonna like it. – Earl K. Long

Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason. – Mark Twain.  

If Noah had been truly wise, he would have swatted those two flies. – Helen Castle

Created 30 March 2013; updated 17 August 2014